Asbestblog

Why does Budweiser go faster through you than beer?

Unlike beer it doesn't have to change taste.

So a sailor walks onto a ship the captain grabs him by the shoulder and says "Welcome to my ship! We have everything a man could want! Food when you're hungry, water when you're thirsty, and.....whenever you get a "need" just stick it in the hole of the barrel below-deck every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday,Saturday, and Sunday! The sailor asks "Well, what about Wednesday?" "That's your day to get in the barrel!"

What do you call a condom within a condom?

Contraception.

Two hookers are working the corner one night and one hooker turns to the other as she inhales deeply and says, "Tonight's gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air.". The other hooker replies with: "Oh, sorry. I just burped.".

A knight is leaving his castle with his little army of men for the war. He turns to the vassal nominated to keep the castle safe : "In addition to my castle, you will keep my wife's honour, this is the key to her chastity belt, I trust you, now I should leave to fight for the king!" Ten minutes later, as the troop ride in silence, they hear a noise from behind. They halt and see the vassal running with the key in his hand. As he reaches the knight, he says, out of breath: "Sir, sir, it's not the right one!"

What's hard and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night?

Your head.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai".

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..." ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. " He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero " The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. " The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a mathematician. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven. Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting. Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud. Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1m x 1m square on the floor around him. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. "Ah ha, Newton! I found you!" "No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m^2 . . . You found Pascal."

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and caring woman, she would never allow this to carry on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since he lived in the country he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had miles to walk, he figured that he would walk off any ill effects by the time he reached home. So, he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. However upon arriving home he felt reasonably sure he could control it.

His wife seemed excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. He seated himself and just as she was about to remove the blindfold from her husband, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone. The baked beans he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while his wife was out of the room he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. He took his napkin and fanned the air around him vigorously. Then, he shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded him of the smell of cabbage.

Keeping his ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it on his lap and folded his hands upon it, smiling contentedly to himself. He was the picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long, she asked him if he peeked, and he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and he was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!

What's the hardest cult to get into?

The difficult.

So an American, a Brit, and a Chinese guy are stuck on a deserted island...the American turns to the other two and says, "Okay, we have to survive somehow until help arrives. I'll get some water to drink, the Brit should get some wood for the fire, and the Chinese guy should get some supplies for the shelter."

2 hours go by and the American and the British guy are back. They couldn't find the Chinese guy anywhere around, so they went around looking for him.

Searching for him, they walk around the whole island. Just as they had given up, the Chinese guy jumps out and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

An old man drove his new BMW Z4 convertible out of the dealership. Getting on the highway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. In his rear view mirror, he saw a police car, lights flashing.

After he pulled over, the police officer walked up to him and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. If you can give me an excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.

I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," said the policeman.

What does Batman say to Robin before they get in the Batmobile?

"Hey Robin, get in the Batmobile!"