Skip to content

A joke

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!"

(source)

A joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, Killing any?" she asked."Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone."

A joke

Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

A joke

A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and asks, "What do you want, Fathead?"

The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, "There are three things a man wants in life:

1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;

2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and

3) A tight woman.

Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along..."

A joke

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

A joke

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies. His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be that bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

(source)

A joke

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea. Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening. The second man then asks him where they ate. "Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?" "You must be thinking of a rose," the second man replies. "Ah yes now I remember." "Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?!"

(source)

A joke

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

(source)

No paper on this side

A drunk staggers into a church enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

A joke

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out of prison today."

Guy with a little head

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head. After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."

He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."

"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."

To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."

"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."

The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"

"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."

The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."

Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"

Navajo wisdom

Hank was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Hank tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Hank.

'What in bag?' asked the old man.

Hank looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: 'Good trade.'

An old pilot

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot - what about you?"

She said, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian."