A guy is walking past an insane asylum when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, he finds a hole in the wall and looks in. Immediately he's poked in the eye, then everyone inside starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.
After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"
"Beertits," the man replied.
Two guys sit in a pub together when one turns to the other and says "I fucked your mum last night. we did everything. I fucked her doggy, missionary and reverse cowgirl, then I licked her bumhole while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit wank whilst sucking my cock and I spunked all over her face."
The other guy puts down his pint and says. "Lets go home dad, i think you've had enough."
On a transatlantic flight the passengers are awaken by the captain's announcement that one of the plane's 3 engines had failed and they were going to be 30 minutes late because of it. No one complained much and the flight went on.
About 45 minutes later the captain announced the second of 3 engines failed, but it was still okay and the flight would be 2 hours late because of it. At this point a disgruntled passenger says aloud, "wow! If we lose another engine, we're gonna be up here all day!!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
Q: What do you do when you wake up on a horse, and you're being chased by a giraffe?
A: Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who asks: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Why won't Heisenberg's operators live in the suburbs?
Because they don't commute.
A nurse is attending to a sick man in his hospital bed. As she changes one his bandages, the man asks "Nurse, can you check if my testicles are black, please?".
"What?" replies the blushing nurse, "I can't, I'm just here to change the bandages".
"Please nurse, can you check if my testicles are black?" the man says even more sternly.
"Ok" says the shy nurse, She pulls down his sheets and lifts up his patient gown. She gently grabs his penis and checks to see if his testicles are black. after careful examining his manhood, she raises her head and says, "Everything looks fine, sir."
The man takes out his breathing tube and says, "That was fantastic, thanks, but can you check if my test results are back, please?"
So a pirate walks into a bar...and the bartender says: "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbyte.
A guy looks in the mirror & says "hunny why do I get hard when I see myself?"
She says "cause even your dick thinks you're a pussy".
A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
OK, hun.
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread.
His wife is flabbergasted.
Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
They had eggs.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting out in the country. He'd be out since the crack of dawn and hadn't seen a thing. Finally he sees a solitary duck. He quickly takes aim and drops the duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the duck, a big, burly good ole' boy drives up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The country boy looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The lawyer huffed angrily, "I've been out here all damn day and haven't seen a thing. I finally see this duck, shoot it, and now I'm going to get it."
The country boy smiled. "You're not getting this duck. But I tell you what, I'm a reasonable man. We'll settle this disagreement the country way."
The lawyer asked, "What's the country way?"
The country boy answered, "Well, we take turns kicking each other in the balls, and the first person to give up wins."
By this time the city guy was furious. "Fine, let's do this!"
"Well, since it is my property, I get to go first." said the farmer. He walked up to the city guy and just nailed him in the nuts. The city guy rolls around on the ground for about fifteen minutes in pure agony.
The city guy summons every bit of his will, wipes away the tears in his eyes, and manages to get to his feet. "Okay you country bumpkin, now it's my turn."
The country boy looked at the city guy and said, "Aww, you can have the duck."