Asbestblog

A nurse is attending to a sick man in his hospital bed. As she changes one his bandages, the man asks "Nurse, can you check if my testicles are black, please?".

"What?" replies the blushing nurse, "I can't, I'm just here to change the bandages".

"Please nurse, can you check if my testicles are black?" the man says even more sternly.

"Ok" says the shy nurse, She pulls down his sheets and lifts up his patient gown. She gently grabs his penis and checks to see if his testicles are black. after careful examining his manhood, she raises her head and says, "Everything looks fine, sir."

The man takes out his breathing tube and says, "That was fantastic, thanks, but can you check if my test results are back, please?"

It's not where you take things from - it's where you take them to.

(Jean-Luc Godard)

So a pirate walks into a bar...and the bartender says: "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Vertraue auf Allah, aber binde dein Kamel an.

Some days, you are the pigeon. Some days, the statue.

The best things is life are not things.

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Even after a person
is gone from this world,
people often tend
to remember birthdays.

They say: today is
the birthday of someone
who would have been
so many years old.

So just in case you're
not around next year:
happy birthday.

(Thomas Ligotti)

What do you call 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte.

A guy looks in the mirror & says "hunny why do I get hard when I see myself?"

She says "cause even your dick thinks you're a pussy".

In der Summe
sind es schöne Summanden, also Plusgeschöpfe
in der trostlosen Landschaft. Während der Wind
die Polster von den Liegestühlen
wedelt, ist man

auf vielen Kontinenten zugleich. Die Unterschrift
die man da und dort leistet, sieht
jedes Mal anders aus. Man fühlt sich
wie ein Kolonialherr

ohne Kolonien. Man fühlt sich wie ein Käptn
ohne Crew. Man möchte
dass einen die Einheimischen

mögen. Es reicht schon
eine Geste. Denn mit den Einheimischen

reden ... möchte man nicht unbedingt.

(Jörg Schieke)

Wir wissen, daß das Leben kein Ziel hat; einen Sinn hat es gleichwohl. Und den Sinn verleiht sich der Mensch selbst, je nachdem welches Leben er als seiner würdig erachtet.

(Béla Hamvas)

We leave this behind in your capable hands, for in the black-foaming gutters and back alley of paradise, in the dank windowless gloom of some intergalactic cellar, in the hollow pearly whorls found in sewerlike seas, in starless cities of insanity, and in their slums...

(Thomas Ligotti)

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

(Robert Frost)

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.

OK, hun.

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread.

His wife is flabbergasted.

Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?

They had eggs.