A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
Q: What do you do when you wake up on a horse, and you're being chased by a giraffe?
A: Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who asks:
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Why won't Heisenberg's operators live in the suburbs?
Because they don't commute.
A nurse is attending to a sick man in his hospital bed. As she changes one his bandages,
the man asks "Nurse, can you check if my testicles are black, please?".
"What?" replies the blushing nurse, "I can't, I'm just here to change the bandages".
"Please nurse, can you check if my testicles are black?" the man says even more sternly.
"Ok" says the shy nurse, She pulls down his sheets and lifts up his patient gown.
She gently grabs his penis and checks to see if his testicles are black.
after careful examining his manhood, she raises her head and says,
"Everything looks fine, sir."
The man takes out his breathing tube and says,
"That was fantastic, thanks, but can you check if my test results are back, please?"